Category Archives: Journal

9/11/13

I look back on this day some twelve years ago, I’ve sought the right words all day in the back of my mind, trying to figure out how best to capture the feeling, the emotion, the raw and hard to digest reality of what happened. So many lives, like a whisper cut off in a dark room, no more speaking and no more filling the void. May whatever good thing there is beyond us in the Universe shine upon those silent voices, those that died that day, and died in service in the days after.
I remember that day, as we each do, so very vividly. I was in my Sophomore year, a religious kid then, watching the world come unglued. I remember the TV on in the classroom and all manner of hell raining down. I remember watching the news people trying to make sense of it all as a second plain hit on live TV and in seeing that I knew the dark and ugly reality that in this world, anything can happen. The carpet can be pulled out beneath our feet at any moment in any given day. We were not invincible, the we being not us as a country because our country continues onward, tested and tried but not broken, not so long as we the individuals that make it up continue to fight the good fight and mix our voices together to be heard, so long as we continue to dream and believe in Democracy and in what is good not only within ourselves but our fellow person. No, the we there is purely us as individuals, we each, individually are not immortal–a sobering thing to a guy at that time a teenager with the world before him. Youthfulness has the lie of immortality burned into his being, but that day was a rude awakening for us all.
I remember the first time I went to NYC, the first time I saw the gaping wound of what had happened. I was underground looking up, wondering at why Daylight was shining down on a subway car and then I realized I was underneath where it had happened. Realization upon realization but nothing can prepare a person for a thing like that. It was eerie there, silent, a hallowed ground of spilled blood and punctured innocence, of trial and tribulation. Evil had touched this spot and good people going about their lives had died here. There were ghosts here, but not all of them of the literal kind. These were the ghosts of what had been before the towers had come down, of what would be after, of dark days and hope being challenged. But in the end our flag pulled us together, we reached out and in one of our darker days we rallied together behind each other, we were America, We are America, and we knew then that not a damned thing in this world would snuff us out if there were still one of us left to fight, to stand, to push back the darkness and to shout down the threat, we would not go silently into the dark night as Thomas Dylan once said. No, we would not surrender so easily. We are a nation of people born in boldness, and courage, and audacious dreams, challenging enemies both foreign and domestic, and challenging in the end, even our own selves. We are a noble people, not because we are simply born to it, but because we have dreamed the heights and pursued it with a tenaciousness never before known in history and we would and will I hope chase down that dream and grand experiment so long as there is a flag to ally ourselves to…our daring symbol, a bold reminder of where we have come from and where we can go. Thirteen colonies and a ragtag team of people against an empire.
This day, I think all these many thoughts. I remember. I mourn. I feel the inspiration of their brave American Spirit, those men, those women, those brave heroes that dared so boldly that day and fought all the many challenges they faced. And all the Heroes that came after, that took up their banner and fought in the years that came of this ugly thing. My gratitude, my humility, my service, my respect to you all, living and dead. Rest in peace to those that died, rest in respect to those still injured, and for those continuing the fight, I stand beside you.
May whatever good thing there is in the Universe shine upon us, may the good moreover inside each and everyone of us guide us forward, and may we find the dream still alive and may that dream that is America, and is Democracy, and is Equality, and is brother and sisterhood and common cause, and revolutionary spirit and boldness and courage, may it never be snuffed out and may it ever be dreamed. For this, and the United States of America, I wholeheartedly pledge my undying allegiance.

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Conversations with Myself, Mini Reviews, and a Challenge

I asked myself:
If you could have been the author of any of your favorite books, which books would you most like to be the author of? And the all important question, why?

After some quick answers the part of me that asked the question said, “no, don’t answer what you think is right. Answer what is true.”

This is what I finally found to be true:

Stephen King’s, “The Dark Tower: Gunslinger”
Why?
This was the work that first stirred me as an adult to dream the impossible. I remember vividly to this day the way that story started, and how I knew it’d never leave my soul. There was a magic in the very first line that completely pulled the audience in, and whispered a promise of bigger and bolder things to come. There was an easy rhythm to the story that seemed purely American, if such a thing exists. There was also this fantastic other world, like a dark and twisted Oz, that King had built. It pulled me in and left me hungry for more. And of course, there is King’s character building.

Clive Barker’s, “Hellbound Heart”
Why?
There was a distinctly poetic voice in the narration of this story, it was visual, it was alluring, and it had an ease of language that any good poetry always seemed to have. It was lean, to the point, and stronger for it. It told a tight story, with strong characters that evoked–no, demanded–a reaction from me as a reader. It haunted me. It raised ugly questions in the deeper, shadowed, part of my mind, and made me really look at things a little closer and a little more differently. There was also a strong sense of atmosphere, of place, of setting. It was like Barker had built a private movie theater in my mind and began to roll the film, burning its presence into my being.

Poppy Z. Brite’s, “Lost Souls”
Why?
My god the beauty in the story tellers voice! This work, like Barker’s is almost one long poem. The language dripped with beauty. And this despite the sometimes jarring and disturbing subject matter. I hardly doubt this was accidental, these wonderful contrasts. And then there’s the one scene built near the middle of the book that I won’t give away in this entry, but how it absolutely haunted me when I had read it. I’m not sure it was a universal haunt but the author had known that terror, simply had to have in order to have built it so well. She wasn’t shy to be honest, to share her truth, and to build something by which to reflect our soul back at us with.

You see the reason I asked myself these questions was to force myself to face a deeper series of truths. What kind of fiction did I want to create? What has affected me? What resonates? What moved me? If I know this, I then have some hope of doing the same to an audience.

So, I ask you to do the same, ask yourself, what three books, movies, paintings, songs, whatever would you like to have created? And why?

Find your truth, find your art, give away your soul. This is what the world needs. This is what you need. And this is where your need and the world’s dance together and create the symphony of your duty as artist, writer, creator of any kind, and asks of you to be honest and to give accordingly.


Don’t Think, Dead Poets, And a Slice of Cheesecake

Today was a good day. Only in Kentucky can the weather go from the upper teens and mid twenties one day to a spiraling almost comfortable mid fifties with sunshine and a pleasant wind the following. The grass was green, the smiles bountiful, and the day productive.

My family came to visit—I wouldn’t be who I am without them, a simple, but very honest truth—they helped me with some things around the apartment, and then we had dinner together, and went out rummaging for odds and ends at a thrift store. Of course I spent my time in the books (I came back with no books, but did find some binders and a new portfolio and some paper, winning).

Tonight, after they left, I sat down to one of my all time favorite movies: Dead Poets Society. It seems that just lately my life has been complimenting my mind, as I have been very reflective on the themes of what it means to be a writer, a reader, and a person striving to live life on purpose. One of the things played out brilliantly in the film was the essence of seizing one’s moments in life. But more than this there was a deeper truth very pertinent for writers. In the words of the late great Bradbury, “Don’t think! Write!” And that, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly what I picked up on when I watched the movie tonight.

There is more than one scene that builds this brilliant theme, but one of the best is when a shy character who up until the moment he was literally forced to center stage by his professor, he barely has said a word or revealed any stirring of life inside his head or soul. He is first told to yawp a barbaric yawp before his classmates and then is told to close his eyes and together he and the professor (through questions, nudging, curiousity, and determination) build a masterful work. What does the professor continue to say over and over? “Don’t think! Say whatever pops into your head. Whatever the first word is, it might even be gibberish, just say it, speak it aloud, say it.”

That is what I’ve been hearing lately from nearly everywhere I turn. My Poetry Professor, youtube, books I’ve been reading, my own deep mind, and intuitions. From everywhere, the deeper drive, and ancient instruction: trust your gut, don’t think, write—speak, cry, paint, play your music, dance, breathe, live, by God Live!—seize your moment and share with the world what only you can, your soul.

I think we’ve been taught too much that giving our soul away is a bad thing, a damnable thing, a deadly thing. And perhaps SELLING it is. But GIVING it? I am not so convinced. When we fall in love, do we not, in some small part at the beginning at least, share our deeper selves, our essence, our passions, our dreams, our hopes, our great joy? You see, I think that maybe, just maybe, art is made of the same substance as soul. We lose ourselves when we pretend that what we are making is art, but instead is some cheap knock off item we really just hope to sell. Not GIVE to the world, not defy the status quo with. God no! Why would we stir up such waters?

But I challenge you, if you wish to make something worth calling your legacy, then by God make something worth calling your legacy. Bleed your soul into that thing, sweat, cry, laugh and joy. That is what you and I have to offer that no one else does: ourselves.

In other news, I currently have a cheesecake cooling in the kitchen, and a great hen thawing out in the sink for a dinner I’m cooking tomorrow. Excited.

 

When I began writing this piece, Lindsey Stirling was playing in the background. I am a huge fan of her work, she makes poetry with her violin.

 

What roles does music play in your writing life? Reading life? Life in general?

 

In what ways can cooking be likened to writing a poem?

 

Don’t think, write.


Choose Your Own Path and a Time Machine

Today was cold. Brutally cold, though it has been colder this year. I just have a horribly low tolerance for freezing my ass off. Also, tonight, as I was driving home, it began to freeze-rain, or sleet. (I also noted that I need new windshield wipers and have a tire with a slow leak, but that’s another story for another day). Oh and prior to driving home, I had supper with friends from Writing group—newest and latest adventure? I tried Goat Meat for the first time tonight. I am in fact a fan.

I made it a point to no longer waste time concerning my reading. For the sake of School, I’ve put off numerous books I wanted to read, sliding them into a “to read” file—which has grown to take up more than a few shelves of space. This simply can not be anymore. So, I’ve decided to start working on my to read file. No matter what assigned readings my degree may call for, I must feed my soul. What does it profit a degree holder (and a writer!) to gain their goals but at the starving of their soul? (OK I stole this from Jesus, but you get my point. (and I hope JC is cool with that, nervous laugh)).

A writer must read!

It was in my Poetry class that we discussed this topic to great length. What books did we love, did we hate, did we passionately (or hatefully) respond to, with zest? What books did we fling forth, and what books did we clutch to our chests?

It worked on me, that discussion. I began to think, what were my book loves? What book took my breath away, how far back was my first breathless moment? And so on, and so on.

I was raised around books. Mom and Dad both always had books nearby. Sometimes the TV went forgotten as the three of us sat close to one another and read. When I was a child it was dinosaurs, science fiction (H.G. Wells and his Time Machine completely captured my heart and soul!), then came the “Choose-your-own-path books (I remember fondly the yellowing pages of those books, some bent and flipped as others had charted their own path through the wild woods of those great pre smart phone era imagination based games of adventure), and then Goosebumps, and upwards and onwards. I read them all. I was lost to my books and happier for it.

There were books of every kind, always around. Mom studied crafts and cooking and home projects, and dad read Westerns, adventures, how-to’s, and home repair, and other “useful” topics.

I remember fondly those forbidden books, though the age escapes me, the ones with the grotesque covers, painted in inky blacks and whites, lurid stories and wicked to the punch titles. They were called “Scary Stories” and it was the bigger kids on the bus that had those books, passing them around, sometimes giving me a sneak peek of what was inside. I can’t remember when I finally got to read one of those books for myself, I know only that I own them all now, and read them over and over.

I remember the great book hunts my mother, my aunt, my grandmother, and myself all would go on to Goodwills, and yardsales. I remember clearly, as I sit here, the back corner of the Goodwill of my youth. There was a jungle of odd smelling clothes between the front of that store and the back. It was there, in the far off corner, isolated from all the proper world beyond, that there was a long section of shelves which held a disorganized and wonderfully cluttered collection of books. I remember it was here I first found those great 1970’s original Choose your own path books. I remember clearly getting one of those books that was about a great fantasy adventure through mountains, and caves, and fighting off great spiders, trolls, monsters, dragons, and how I’d hold one finger at the decision page just to make sure I’d made the right choice. If not, I’d go back and choose differently. I’d gobble these books up, feeding my imagination, loving the richness not so much of the story but the worlds found in between those covers and having some say in their construction.

Funny the things we forget, when we never take time to sit down and remember, isn’t it?

 

Tonight, by my bedside table, in my stack of current reads:

Bradbury collections of Short Stories (October Country, Illustrated Man) also his nonfiction piece (The Art and Zen in the Craft of Writing) which I keep there even though I’ve read it.

Also in that little wire basket is Neil Gaiman’s collection of short stories (Smoke and Mirrors).

Just beside me on the bed is the long piece I’m reading, Poppy Z. Brite’s, Drawing Blood (I was left breathless on page twenty, so soon in, and so deeply moved by emotion, shock, terror, repulsion and necessity).

 

What sits beside you tonight? Which author’s voice will whisper softly to your hungry soul, feeding you what stories, what words, what magic, what poetry, what wonderful things?

 

 

Question to myself:

Why do you fear sitting down to write plainly the happenings of your nonfiction and very real life?

 

 


List Your Way to Truth

Recently went on a writing splurge. It was great. Then this weekend it all kind of stopped. Scared the shit out of me, where did all my voices go? I can’t be the only writer to have this kind of problem, can I? No, of course not, but being a writer means in part feeling as though you’re kind of all alone in the world. I’ve been at this (and rejected) enough to know what I’m talking about.

So, what do I do to get myself going again?

The options are pretty simple it would seem, I could give up, start over, reevaluate or push through.

Actually looking at that, I realize I have two options, giving up or not. I recently confided in a friend that not writing would be the same as not living, so, I guess the choice is made for me. I like living a little too much to not continue at this.

What got me going on the big writing kick off was a Ray Bradbury article, ”Run Fast, Stand Still, or, The Thing at the Top of the Stairs, or, New Ghosts From Old Minds,” Something about what he was saying – and how he was saying it more than anything – resonated with me. I felt his words seep into my soul, and a great new freedom came over me. Suddenly I no longer felt restrained, I felt simply loose and able to chase whatever came along with the full vigor of my younger writer self. The big suggestion that did this?

Lists.

Bradbury suggested making lists of nouns and gave some examples of his own:

“The Lake. The Night. The Crickets. The Ravine. The Attic. The Basement. The Trapdoor. The Baby. The Crowd. The Night Train. The Foghorn. The Scythe. The Carnival. The Carousel. The Dwarf. The Mirror Maze. The Skeleton,” (Ray Bradbury, Zen in the Art of Writing, Page 17).

I can’t really remember now why, but something about his lists teased me into trying my own. So, I sat down and began to type away. One word bursts, period, pause, reflect, continue. That’s how it went. It wasn’t writing a story, it was something else, something beautiful, something different. And then I saw it clearly. It was the something I had been getting so damned close to all these years now and hadn’t ever fully went into. For Bradbury it was when he wrote about his “Ravine,” for me, I wrote a short story called “Lucinda’s Gift” a while back and really took a liking to it (that’s another story for another time perhaps).

That night of lists started to show me something, something I had teased in “Lucinda’s Gift” but had never fully and with knowledge, explored. The deepest truth of all, is the truth I personally bring to the table. It’s so common sense we might easily overlook it, but, what this means is simply this: What do you remember from your childhood, early twenties, last great romance, last great affair, steamy passionate night with a stranger, or horrible bad decision? What Does Home feel like in your memory? What colors stand out, what about YOUR home is different than anyone else’s? That’s the truth I had been getting at and hadn’t ever knew it.

Once I saw this, something about fiction changed for me. I wasn’t worried anymore about being a Horror writer, or a genre writer, I was only worried about chasing down the memory, the truth, the unique things I knew and no one else did. The first word (actually I chose to make titles, sometimes one word but more often tight little descriptive sentences, it’s whatever works for you) on my list I began to play with was, “The Spring House in the Woods.” This was the memory of a Spring house my grandfather had built back in the woods near my family home. I’d went there a couple times as an adult and heard Dad talk about it plenty, it wasn’t just any spring house either, it was the only one in the wide world with my Grandfather’s name carved in the wall. It still stands there, and it is a personal truth that is mine and mine alone. So I did the first honest thing of my writing career, I started to write down that memory.

Soon the voices came, the imagination stirred, the what if’s kicked in and I simply obeyed. I said to hell with plot, I said screw it to any idea of what made a good story or a bad, I just listened to my mind, I smiled big, and I wrote. By God, I wrote.

That’s what I learned.

And you know what? I started this essay/journal feeling the blues a little, but look at this, I just did the same thing all over again. I said to hell with the rules and listened to my inner voice and wrote this through to completion. That’s what writing is about, discovery, pushing through, growing. Never stop growing, because when you do, you’re fungus food folks.

Moral of the story? Be you, write truth, to hell with the rules (once you know what they are to abandon them of course).


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